Co-sleeping and Postpartum Depression

This morning, Ben woke up at 5:15.  I was absolutely not ready to get out of bed, so I brought him into my bed with me.  With his little arm draped around my neck, he snuggled in and fell asleep.  It brought back the first six months of his life when he slept in our bed every night.  As a rule, I'm not a big fan of co-sleeping.  I am a horrible sleeper.  I move a lot.  And that doesn't count the sleeping habits of my children.  Some of them are just as incompatible as I am.  There are the sidesleepers, and the kickers, and the rollers.  Postpartum depression changed my opinion (at least in this case). 

When Ben was born, he was very fussy.  He has a milk allergy and can't handle chocolate.  He couldn't handle me ingesting even small amounts of dairy (aside from milk baked into things).  On top of that, he had to be snuggled to feel secure (he had the most exaggerated startle reflex I've ever seen).  To get him to sleep at night, we had to bundle him, put him in his car seat and stuff blankets around him. 

When he was a few weeks old, my postpartum depression started cranking up.  There were two nights in particular at that time when my mind was so caught up in the whirlwind of anxiety that, not only could I not sleep, but I was trapped in a hell of my mind's own making and couldn't escape.  One of those nights, I had just put Ben in his "bed" after nursing him, and the hurricane began.  As the chaos whipped about me, a thought began to call above the noise. 

I just thought, "I need my baby.  I just need to hold my baby." 

I reasoned that he was sleeping peacefully and it would be selfish to pick him up.  I heard all those people saying it wasn't safe to sleep with your baby or that I would be ruining his sleep habits for life.  But, I just knew, that was exactly what I needed to do.  He squeaked in his sleep and I took that as my excuse.  I laid him next to me and he snuggled right in. 

And, the storm ceased. 

The underlying anxiety was there, but it wasn't the fever pitch.  I could feel enough peace to go to sleep.  The contrast felt absolutely blissful. 

From then on, I didn't hesitate.  He slept with his little arm draped over my neck and that sent peace and love straight to my heart. And he never had problems going to sleep or staying asleep. Just being able to hold a cute little hand or foot kept the storm at bay.  The days were still a struggle and that horrible hurricane of guilt/embarrasment/fear/whatever shape my anxiety took at the time still plagued me, but I had peace at night.

Much later, I was listening to an NPR broadcast.  A researcher was talking about mental illness.  She said that people with disorders like anxiety, depression, and even psychotic issues are lacking in oxytocin.  I knew that, but she said that we already know that physical touch increases that production of oxytocin.  I knew both of those pieces, but I had never put them together. 

I am so amazed that my body knew exactly what I needed.  Well, to be honest, my spirit needed it too.  We are equipped to take care of our children.  We just need to trust ourselves a little more.  With Will and even more with Ben, I stopped feeling guilty about silly things.  Everyone has ideas about how best to raise children and take care of babies.  No one is raising your baby but you and even if they believe their opinion is the gospel truth, YOU are the one entitled to direction for your child.  So, I will hold my babies as long as I can.  It won't spoil them.  Yes, rocking them to sleep makes bedtime take longer than if I just put them in their cribs.  But, they are babies for thirty seconds.   And, I will most likely bring this little baby to bed with me when she is little.  Or, she might be a completely different child.  But, I know that as long as I'm trying and listening, the best way to be her mother will present itself to me.  I wouldn't go back to being a first time mom for anything!  I cherish every lesson I have learned and the pain and trials that have helped me to learn them.

Fixing the Roof

On Monday, Matt replaced some shingles on our roof. Afterwards, he asked the kids if they wanted to climb the ladder. Who needs a theme park when you have adventures in the back yard with dad? It's always so interesting to see how different children react so differently to the same challenge. Mary zipped up the ladder, loved the view and then zipped back down. Joe and Emily were terrified but did it and were so proud of themselves for doing it. Though Emily was a little more open about her fear. Will wouldn't go up more than four rungs. And Ben wanted to go all the way up. He cried when Matt brought him back down without letting him go as high as his siblings. ( We are so mean!)

Repurposed Board Game

This is my favorite use for our Tetris Links game we got for Christmas. The game itself is really fun, and we love it, but I do love this. He can spend hours putting the tiles in. He loves it.

Glimpse

Today I caught a glimpse of my baby. It was the worst quality ultrasound I have ever had, but it was such a relief to see my baby. It's like hearing the heartbeat for the first time.  You know that things are progressing and at least moving in the right direction.  The little munchkin was NOT cooperating and after 45 min the tech still couldn't get all the views she needed. We couldn't get a good view of her face or her heart so we have to go back in four weeks.  I'm a little worried about that because the ultrasound, like I said, just looked weird.  They always look weird, but this one more than usual.  Regardless, there are so many things that looked perfect.  I am so thankful for that.

As an aside, the tech said I needed to come back in two weeks. When I spoke with the midwife she asked if I had elected to have the prescreenings done for birth defects.  I said I hadn't, and she said I could just have that ultrasound at my normal appointment in four weeks.  She said the only reason I would come back in two weeks was if there was a chance I would elect to terminate.  I was a little horrified that that was the reason.  I always wondered why NC had the ultrasound so early.  How could you sit there and watch your baby move around and then...

Back to happier matters.  When anyone asked Matt what he wanted, he would answer that he just hoped it wasn't a lizard or a rabbit.  I have been eating more green salads this pregnancy than the rest of my life put together.  In every past pregnancy green salads made me feel awful.  This has been the opposite in not just the salad but almost everything else.  The upside is that I'm healthier.  If I had to have a go-to food, green salad is not a bad one.

This July, when we become a family of eight, we will be even steven.  The baby is a girl!

Circus

The circus is in town. Tickets start at $17a piece. We are watching Dumbo. That's as close to Ringling Bros my kids are going to get

New Hair

Mary got a haircut this week. I asked if she wanted a trim, but she said she wanted to cut it to her cheek bone. I chickened out and told the stylist to cut it at jaw line. I love that she knows what she wants and will go for it. She is fierce and determined and amazing.